Fat or Disconnected?
Updated: Dec 1, 2019
Hi my beautiful friends.
I am sharing this post to bring some honesty to our weight obsessed society.
This is me right now, today after the birth of my third daughter.
This should not be a picture I am embarrassed to post, but I am.
In fact, it is taking all my courage to show myself less than perfect.
After 5 miscarriages in 6 years, I would have done anything to experience the joy of another child.
So I took medication and rest that caused me to gain over 40kilos.
I do not consider this a sacrifice. My beautiful daughter Sage is worth every kilogram.
However, this last month, the new baby high has worn off.
If I am brutally honest, I am tired and uncomfortable in my own skin.
At first I was disappointed in myself. I felt like I was buying into what society told me was beautiful.
We are so bombarded with the ideal image, that it is almost impossible not to be subliminally effected.
Everyone keeps saying just relax and enjoy your time with your beautiful new baby.
I am, but this does not stop me feeling uncomfortable.
Perhaps I am more susceptible to societies pressure than I realised, or perhaps something deeper is at play.
During my meditation I began to look deeper beneath the superficial surface.
I realised primarily I am not image driven, but have a deeper sadness at the disconnection I am feeling.
I do not feel strong. My clothes are tight and restricting, I have aches in the morning, regular headaches and a low mood. I feel sluggish and 10 years older. I do not feel strong and capable.
As a yoga instructor I am struggling with my own practice.
Being heavier has meant that I can't achieve many of the poses that I was doing only a year ago.
I am frustrated in my practice. My wrists hurt in down dog and I am struggling to find a breath connection. I am supposed to teach this, what is wrong with me?
As always, we continue repeating our spiral behaviours until we reach a deeper acceptance.
I have realised like many women, my spiral pattern is to sacrifice my own health for others.
While I consider motherhood an amazing gift, if self sacrifice is left unchecked and uncorrected, it will become a habit.
At the moment, I am not making time for myself or my health.
This body change has forced me too really slow down and understand the importance of my authentic connection with my beautiful body.
In a nutshell I feel disconnected. My vessel and I have lost our link. I need to accept and then repair this. I need to once again make my self-care a priority.
My body is craving a reconnection so instead of the usual "losing weight", I am undertaking my "body reconnection project". The weight is just a symptom of my disconnection. Correct the disconnection, the balance will follow.
So I invite you all to join me. I am cleaning up my diet and beginning a gentle exercise program that nurtures my body.
Lots of walking in nature and gentle yoga. Asking friends to watch the kids, so I have time to nurture myself. Removing the "mum guilt" and making myself a priority.
Removing my "mask of perfection" and admitting I need help.
I just cant do it all alone!
I do not need to fit a one size model of societies beauty, but my body deserves the best love I can give it.