I am currently writing a blog about aging, and as always the universe is right there, perfectly synchronized with my lessons.
Today I went to town and a man, whom I know as only a passing acquaintance, commented to me, "Wow, going grey already, old girl".
I instinctively laughed....
I have learnt that I mostly do this as a standard defence mechanism when shocked or uncomfortable.
It is a learnt childhood response to deflect attention.
Ironically, I was actually in town to grocery shop and buy hair dye. (Yes, I am a repeat offender on the home dye job).
What struck me on the drive home was that I realised I also instinctively laughed because I felt embarrassed.
Why should I feel embarrassed?
The man conceivably held no embarrassment for commenting on my appearance.
Was I embarrassed because I felt shamed for not maintaining my appearance?
My instincts failed me and I felt I handled the situation poorly.
On reflection I felt dissapointed in myself.
I am sure I am not the only one to struggle with this instinctive boundary setting.
I would like to have my time again, this time not to laugh, but instead to have some witty comeback.
Like all of us, I replayed the event for a good while and practiced what I should have said.
That was until I realised the 'Prince of Lies' (my head voice) had brought this man along for the drive and I was wasting my time feeding banannas to my monkey mind. So instead I am posting a picture to show I am infact not embarrased.
I spent the rest of the drive home questioning why I dye my hair.
I would love to say I decided to go completely grey.
That feels like what a strong, modern woman should do.
But truth is, I am just not ready.
I am just not prepared to be speckled grey yet. I questioned wether sub-consciously I was bying into what we are told beautiful should be.
It was hard for me to admit, but yes I am.
Then I got frustrated why as women we are constantly judged at a higher standard?