It's 2am, the time of misfits, outcasts, bad spellers and dreamers. For some reason my gypsy soul has decided, that between the moon and the wind, I should be awake and considering every decision I have made up to this moment in time. I have long accepted this is the price we pay for a damaged soul, but still it is a lonely time. Usually I would try and distract myself, but tonight is different. Tonight I am going to listen.
The ‘Prince of Lies’ (negative head voice) seems to be at his strongest during the wee hours of the morning. It’s like the darkness gives him super powers of persuasion. What I can easily move on from during daylight meditation, takes on epic proportions during the space between midnight and day break. So, I have decided to stop fighting him, instead I am going to embrace him like a long-lost friend. I am sitting typing this while my peaceful family steals all the sleep. I have resigned myself to a tired today. I have decided that if I admit my deepest fears, they no longer have power to plague me. So here goes….
I am still fearful!
I am fearful that I may not be a good mother!
I am fearful that I may not be a good friend or wife!
I am fearful that I may not be a good soul!
I am fearful that people will not understand my book, or worse, they will reject it!
I am fearful of confrontation and rejection!
But mostly, I am fearful that I will never stop being fearful!
Perhaps it’s the silence, or the feeling of release, but in this moment of clarity, I feel almost friendly with fears. Like perhaps I have been ignoring a very useful healing tool. Isn't it these fears that drive me to love myself harder? Because, if I still feel these fears, if I am brave enough to acknowledge they still exist, I must also acknowledge that I am not yet truly my best friend. I am much further than I have ever been, but it’s not yet unconditional. So tonight, I am becoming best friends with my fear. Instead of trying to ignore, move on or suppress, I am being honest and facing them all. I have realised that without these fears I would never grow, I would never push to be a better person, and I would never feel a sense of accomplishment. So like many things, I am learning to listen. It feels uncomfortable, but also liberating, like I am acknowledging a giant elephant I have been carrying on my shoulders.
So, to you all I say, “it is ok!” Without our fears, we would never have an opportunity to be brave. The ‘Prince of Lies’ derives his power from suppression. Every time we busy ourselves to ignore his whispered voice we add power to his argument, until it’s 2am and he finally wrestles control of our thoughts. Tonight, I am not fighting, I am listening and while his anecdotes may be confusing and outdated (like reminding me of the time I ignored Susan in grade 9 Physics and ruined her adolescence), I get the general gist, he is also trying to help me grow. He is reminding me of pains and embarrassments I still subconsciously carry and are preventing my unconditional forgiveness of self and other’s. Only a best friend could do this, perhaps he is a great friend after all and I just don't know how to listen….x Sare